Tv teaches me things part 1

Something I learned from the New Girl: When unable to deal with life make like Nick and go batshit crazy

This guy knows how to let himself be upset! He doesn’t just wallow, he relishes and drenches himself in his pain and suffering. I generally handle breakups like “an adult”, which means quietly and with respect for others. But they aren’t usually as concerned about my effect on them as I am, so why not just become a hot mess that backslides? Why not drunk dial? Why not swear off love in favor of growing tomatoes? Why not allow myself to be the wreck I am for a while? It happens!
Now I’m not talking about emotionalism, which generally means an undue influence of feelings upon thought and behavior. So while this sounds a lot like what I’m writing about, I’d like to make a few points.
First off, I don’t think that emotions should rule the way we live and behave, if I did I wouldn’t be a Christian. The bible has many emotions in it, and God made us as emotional beings, but when it comes down to what is right and wrong how we feel about it don’t mean shit.
Secondly, while it may sound like I’m advocating for a momentary laps into emotionalism that is only because I kind of am. When plugging away at life and pushing my real feelings down so that I appear to be “normal” I always find that eventually I lose my mind in a way that is less like a crazy homeless woman and more like a terrorist trying to destroy the body I live in. I have a history of taking things out on myself instead of verbalizing, and if starting a project or expressing my madness will keep me honest and safe from my own nature, I’ll take it.
I’m just really glad that even when I decide to let myself go crazy, God knows how to find me in the middle of my crazy and remind me of who is bigger, and who is smaller.

Just Real Quick…

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Real update coming soon. Prolly from a train.
You know, cus I commute.

What I’ve Learned About Life From School Thus Far.

1. I’ve developed this technique that I use whenever I want someone to continue doing something, it is being super positive about whatever it is that I want him or her to do continually.  The only problem is that when it comes to doing this to guys it involves complimenting them in a way that makes me sound like a horny grandmother. A kid at school gets his awful perm cut off and my response is “You look so handsome!  I didn’t know you were so handsome before!” and “Look, he’s got a good smile!  I couldn’t see it past that awful jerry curl.”  I know that those aren’t the best examples, but considering the fact that I mean these compliments in platonic ways and they can be taken in any way, shape or form… Yeah.  I’m not going to stop doing it anytime soon.  Too much fun.
2. Each and every Gran in existence has the right idea about things.  Why not get your hair set once or twice a week?  All that gel adds volume, and you get to have a great Do for days.  That and layering on the lipstick, which should smell just like lipstick, and you have instant class.
3. I need breakfast and coffee every morning before school or else I could become demon possessed.  I went crazy on Monday, quite a sight from what I understand, because of a lack of breakfast sandwich and iced coffee with caramel and cream.  Funny, my ex’s dad thought that Harry Potter would be the way I would get myself a demon, but it turns out it’s caffine deprivation.
4. Everyone is insecure in some way.  That manifests in different forms: fear of everything, a need to be better than, a need to be desirable to the opposite gender, questioning one’s own abilities or even the simple waffling of the mind.  It’s something that backs so many actions that I can’t get mad at people when I look at their real incentives.
5. Loyalty is hard to come by.  This isn’t entirely new to me, as I learned what loyalty is by being the opposite of the definition.  My best friend in the entire world taught me where the lines were because I kept on crossing them.  At this point I’m still learning continually how to be as loyal as she is, but I can see clearly how it isn’t played out with everyone and how it affects the trust that you thought was built in a friendship.
6. Everyone has an agenda, and if you’re not a part of it you’re in the way.
7. Ecclesiastes 3:15 – “That which is now already has been, and that which is to be already has been; and God seeks that which has passed by [so that history repeats itself].”  Everything that is in the world of fashion, the world of beauty, is an altered image of something we have already seen.  That’s the way it goes.  What is new is just something that is old filtered through a new lens.  An understanding of this is what helps enable you to create new things.

Happy Easter.

Last year the message of Easter for me was to let go.

Last year I heard clearly that I needed to release the un-forgiveness I’d been harboring, and to set myself free from it’s chains.

Last year what I did was let myself become open to the opportunities before me.

Last year I was ready to fall in love.

Last year I was sure that there would be good things to come of my decisions.

This year I’m alone.  I’m not allowing myself the terror of considering romance again; it’s disappointing.  And I’m figuring out how God used the past year to draw me closer to Him.  He did, that is for sure.  He used my joy and my pain, and I know that without placing myself in His hands before everything else I would be devastated.

There is still hope.  God can use what turned out to be a variety pack of emotions and grab-bag of mistakes and sin for His good.  And Christ doesn’t have to die again to save me, he’s covered me completely for the rest of eternity.  He loves the mess he has saved.

Sticks & Stones

According to the Jersey Shore nick name generator my nick name is The Incident. Very few people understand how extremely true to the bone that nick name is until they date me. I understand that I’m not always an easy person to deal with. I have ups and downs, good days and bad days, and I love people and I hate people and I repent and try to love people again. Without God I’d be straight up depressive trouble most days, and an addicted mess on the other days. Hence my deep gratitude for grace.

“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth“  – Isaiah 54:4

With every drop of blood that was shed at the cross another chance for life was given to us, and not because we deserve it in any way. The legalistic, moralistic ways of the world like to do their best to pervert the truth, which is that there are some people that you don’t like that will get saved and we’re called to love them.  I like the way the woman who writes for Grace is for Sinners puts it:

“God’s grace is sufficient. You don’t get to pick your terms and sometimes this journey feels backward and forward at the same time. When you have to rely on grace, it’s a hard walk of faith to travel the territories run by a force working against you. But who can be against you when God is for you? People will look at your journey and wonder why you’re traveling there, why you’re keeping company with the other side. They’ll discredit you, slander you, and try to stop you all the while thinking they’re doing God a favor.”  (Grace is for Sinners)

Sometimes I see this happening in real life, where people believe that they have the ability to pick and chose who would be a good follower of Christ based on their standards or opinions.  I pray that I don’t do that.  I pray that I am able to follow Jesus without stopping to turn around and judge fellow Christians as if I have a right to.  As if I have been so redeemed that I can set some sort of standard for holiness.  No matter what is going on in my life, no matter where I am or what I’m dealing with, I can only hold tightly to the truth: that I am the worst of all sinners but He loves me anyway.